Lotus Rock Star :: The 13 People You Meet at Lotusphere

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Well once again, Lotusphere is just days away. You might be a newbie, or you might be a Lotusphere veteran. Either way, you can use this guide to help you get to know some of the friendly faces you're likely to meet this year. Coincidentally, they are the same friendly faces you're likely to meet at any other software or technology conference. You may even remember some of them from last Lotusphere. They are the 13 universal icons of the tech conference world. Why 13? Because it's my 13th Lotusphere. The "Lucky One". Enjoy!

The Corporate Line Marketing Session Guy - He's young, handsome, smart and articulate, and the only subject he knows is his product. Everything reminds him of it. The thought of his product delights and invigorates him. Often a speaker and marketing-oriented session presenter (secretly when talking to IBMers he calls his session a "pitch"), he is the darling of the corporate overlords. His favorite IBM mid-management marketing phrases work their way into everyday conversation - which is why his wife and kids are doing fine, but that's just "a statement in time". Secretly you get to make fun of him because he still calls Lotus products by their names from 2005, which as we know means he's two names behind, because he doesn't refresh the presentation deck. Poor guy.		The New Solo Consultant Guy - This is the guy who will follow you around most of the week, convinced that there's some synergy between your company and his - you know, his "123 Maple Lane, Suite 2" company. He'll sit next to you when he can find you in sessions, and constantly whisper how "that's something we can really use!" in his proposed collaboration. He'll set up meetings with people you don't care about, promise that they have budgets and power. At Kimonos, he'll seek you out and butt into your conversation with an IBM exec so he can help you. You want to kill him by Tuesday morning. Beware of his requests to borrow money. If you sit with him long enough, you deserve it.

The Drunk Conventioneer - Nobody recognizes him, but the stories will persist. He might even be left over from the conference at the Dolphin last week. Most of his friends are people he sees once a year at Lotusphere. He has been known to upgrade his room to a suite and tend bar the entire week. Most of the stories told in later years will be connected with him somehow, including the one about the former Iris employee now living in Vegas. He is a central figure in any incidents that involve hotel security ("Have a Magical Evening!"), police, or angry residents from the vacation suites. Like the jock who peaked in high school, the Drunk Conventioneer peaks once a year at the end of January.		The Hot Sales Girl - This poor woman is plagued 24 hours a day by guys with "sales questions" or "issues they want to raise (uh huh)" or - anything. Can she make an onsite sales call next week? No? Well, I'll be in your town next month - maybe we could get together. For the Hot Sales Girl, the week of the conference would be a good time to schedule that root canal, or maternity leave, or anything that could get her out of it. Recognize her by the V formation of developers following her around. Just developers. Admins know they don't have a chance.

The Opening General Session Energy Guy - He's the best thing that - you think - has happened to Lotus since R3, yet he came out of nowhere like the guy who flew down from the Swan in 1996. His degree of excitement hasn't been seen this side of a 1993 Hanson concert, yet you can't quite reconcile his "kicking ass more sexy-ness-ness" speech with the fact that the last guy in that job disappeared without a trace. You're pretty sure he is an actor and is trying to make you forget the demo that crashed with his guarana induced yet infectious energy level. Beware running into this guy at Kimonos unless you really like to sing. Ladies, he's taken. Or gay. Probaby both, he has sooooo much energy!		The Live-Blogging Podcasting Press-Wannabe Guy - At first you are flattered by the request for 3 minutes with - YOU! Then you realize that this guy is podcasting 84 times during Lotusphere, has set up a studio near the Dolphin Rotunda, and is personally skipping all but the opening and closing sessions, which he will liveblog shorthand up to his blog in unintelligible prose for the less fortunate to read. His goal in life is to wear out your RSS reader and take up as much room as possible on your iPod, crowding out that last episode of Heroes you really wanted to see. This guy was definitely a middle child.

The Nerdy Foreign Guy - He's quiet, friendly, unassuming, and doesn't know anybody else in the country so he needs you to be his friend. He engages you in long conversations in broken English, and you're never quite sure what the subject is, or what he wants from you. It's not quite clear what country he's from, but you think you hear "stahn" half the time. He's got some products that you may be interested in (how did he get away from the booth so long???), but none of the documentation is in English yet. At night at Kimonos, Nerdy Foreign Guy can always be found at one of the tables with others of his ilk - usually separated from everyone else by an empty table or two. You wonder if his rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy during karaoke might actually kill someone.		The Famous Geek - Tickets for his rockstar sessions are scalped outside the Swan at high prices. The Famous Geek is a major draw, both among fellow geeks who worship him, and among regular attendees who have heard his name so often that they have to see what all the fuss is about. Generally his pants don't fit very well, and he has a disdain for shaving, but he's always entertaining. He's often hard to find at the conference when he's not on stage; no doubt hiding from all the autograph hounds.

The SharePoint Bigot IT Guy - He wants nothing to do with your toy Mac or Linux machine, and collaboration is for wussies. He's a Microsoft certified engineer all the way, and he'll stand for no tomfoolery. The only reason he's here is that his management made him come. If you're experiencing any kind of a problem or you have a question, it's your fault for not following strict Microsoft security guidelines, and published Best Practices. Since nobody actually does all of those things, nothing is ever his fault. Despite his permanent Get Out of Jail Free card, the SharePoint Bigot IT Guy never seems to be very happy. Maybe it's because he secretly yearns to be like Drunk Conventioneer Guy.		The Grand Old Dame of Collaboration - For years she has been a fixture in the community. Everyone has read her books and articles, sat in her sessions, or secretly blessed her at some point over the past decade. You'd think she'd have made a ton of money over the years, but still she's never gotten around to getting a half decent outside life. Or hiring a decorator for her office. Or getting herself fixed up at the salon, or buying new clothes. Probably what you see is just a front: when out of her customers' eyes, she drives a Ferrari and lives in a classy neighborhood where she's quite the playgirl.

The Educational / Government / Non-Profit Attendee - At first she is heavily courted by all the consultants, at least until they hear the words "educational", "government", or "non-profit". At that point they scurry away like roaches when the light comes on. The showroom and IBM salespeople love her, however, since she always buys about ten thousand volume licenses. She received her Lotusphere registration through a lengthy three year process that involved numerous purchase orders, vouchers, budget reviews, administrative approvals, and check requests. She'll be reimbursed for her room in FY 2012.		The Hot Hotel Employee - Though technically not a conference attendee, the Hot Hotel Employee - typically at Kimono's - always manages to have a dramatic and lasting effect, and stories are told for many years to come. You can overhear guys talking about what days she works and what her hours are. She gets to listen to the same crappy pickup lines from the same geeks night after night - and let's not even get into the bad singing at karaoke. She doesn't mind this one bit. When you count up her tip income for the week, she's made more money than anyone else at the entire conference. Including me.

Number 13: The Lucky Guy - An icon in the Lotusphere community, even though nobody really remembers who he works for. The Lucky Guy can be seen between sessions with his Hot Wife, the Hot Sales Girl or the Hot Hotel Employee, or by the Wednesday party, all three. He met his wife at Lotusphere, and she's so cool she hangs out with the other Hots. He is curiously devoid of a badge most of the time - leading first-timers to believe he could be a hotel employee himself, or perhaps just a vacationer, but the truth is that for him, a badge is just not necessary. You see him at the closing session, in the second row, surrounded by an entourage. He already has an advance copy of Notes 10.5, has his room comped and never, ever waits in line for lunch. He owns this conference. He's the Lucky Guy.